Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Cheney: The Real Story About His Heart

Crossposted from Left Toon Lane, Bilerico Project & My Left Wing

click to enlarge
Dick Cheney died many years ago. The figure we see today as Dick Cheney is simply the reanimated organic portal that is kept alive by the constant tweaking and upgrading of his underlying hardware. The hardware itself has become problematic of late. Originally the Cheney Avatar was built on a reversed engineered construct developed in Area 51, at the Groom Lake facility in Nevada. Using spare parts from downed UFOs, obtained during the Project Bluebook days, Cheney was kept running with minor adjustments.

However, the reversed engineered UFO parts was not as good as the real thing since the Cheney Avatar kept breaking down with alarming frequency! After the Groom Lake facility ran out of spare UFO parts, drastic measures were undertaken over the last few weeks with decidedly mixed results. The Cheney Avatar was going to be upgraded with a UNIX operating system to make more peripherals available to the avatar: web cams, microphones, USB enabled waterboarding device, etc. But since Apple is the largest distributor of Unix operating systems and since Al Gore sits on the Board of Apple, Rove's demands for idealogical purity forced Groom Lake engineers to look to Redmond for a solution.

That is when things went wrong. Early Monday morning, the 26th of November, Microsoft Vista was installed in the Cheney Avatar and the Fatherboard (Sieg Heil) was woefully underpowered to handle the corporate bloat. Emergency measures were enacted and it is reported the Cheney Avatar is back at work this morning and all is well.

All is well except for the USB enabled waterboard device. Thank God the driver is incompatible.