Sunday, April 8, 2007

Hogwarts Academy vs The Sunnydale Posse

Ah phooey.

Because my wife loves me, she won't say the dreaded words "I told you so." But because I love my wife, I'll say it for her.

What happened? Well, although I pretend to be open-minded, I can be quite stubborn sometimes when a New Idea walks up to me and tries to introduce itself. (sound of my beloved wife snickering quietly) Perversely, the dials connected to my stubbornness turn up to "11" when it's my wife who tries to introduce Yours Truly to the New Idea. (sound of my beloved wife snickering not-so-quietly) And of course, because resistance is futile, most of the time I find out that the New Idea is a Great Idea and I enjoy it passionately for the rest of my life.

I hate when that happens.

This time, the "I told you so" that got me right between the eyes was written by a blogger named mollyringwraith, and her Great Idea is imagining what would happen if the Harry Potter characters met the cast from Buffy The Vampire Slayer.

Naw, it sounds stupid.

I don't wanna read it.

O.K., O.K., O.K.

Ah phooey.

HARRY, HERMIONE, and RON sweep into the Sunnydale High Library. XANDER, WILLOW, and BUFFY look up from the table; GILES hovers in the background.

HERMIONE: Hello. We're a delegation of students from Hogwarts Academy of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Would this be the Hellmouth, by any chance?

XANDER: I'm sorry, you're the whosit of what now?

WILLOW: There's a witchcraft school? Hey, coolness! Think I could do a year abroad?

HARRY: We're in search of the Horcruxes. We're out to defeat Voldemort. Tell us where they are.

XANDER: Sorry, crumpet, still not following ya.

RON: Um, evil things? They look like...well, bloody hell, they can look like anything; that's the trouble, isn't it...

GILES: Good Lord. Hogwarts, did you say?

BUFFY: So this is a real place and not just crazy new kids babbling nonsense?

GILES: Yes, yes, it's quite a prestigious academy. Would have studied there myself, but er...well--my dabbling in the, er, dark arts rather barred me from admittance. [clears throat] Or from coming within ten miles of the school grounds. For life. [turns away and polishes his glasses]

BUFFY: [twirling a wooden stake] I think a little training's in order. Don't you, Giles?

GILES: Well, actually Buffy, I'm not certain we--

HARRY: [snarling and flourishing wand] A duel? My pleasure! Expelli --oof! [BUFFY has kicked him across the room and sent his wand flying]

BUFFY: [catches HARRY's wand and examines it] How cute. You could use it to stake vamps or eat Chinese food.

HERMIONE: It's very important we defeat Voldemort, you see. Already his followers have killed our favorite teacher.

WILLOW: Oh my God, here too! I mean, not Voldi-Guy, but the dead teacher thing--see, there's this vampire Angel, and this teacher Miss Calendar who--well, long story, but I totally understand.

CORDELIA: [to HERMIONE] Okay, wow, I have three words for you: "leave-in conditioner". [pauses, frowns] Or is that only two words?

HERMIONE: Honestly! You're rude, vain, shallow--

CORDELIA: Whoa, hey, I'm just trying to help. I mean, your fashion deficiencies really aren't your own fault, with you being British and all, but you can rise above that! Just look at Liz Hurley!

OZ: So werewolves can teach at your school, huh?

HERMIONE: Well, "one" did, but he was kicked out. It was completely unfair. He's totally normal and harmless as long as he takes his potion.

OZ: There's a potion?

SPIKE, a smirk on his face, enters.

SPIKE: Well, well, well. Hogwarts kiddies, eh? I tasted quite a few of those in my time.

RON: C-c-could he really get into our school?

HERMIONE: [scornfully] No, he couldn't. There's all kinds of magic shields stopping his type from entering.

SPIKE: Yeah, but they don't stop the girlies from slipping off the grounds, do they?

BUFFY: As if any sane girl would climb out her window to meet you.

SPIKE: Oh, you'd be surprised, cupcake. Some of those witchy lassies were actually quite keen on meeting a bloke who had a bit more than a "broomstick" between his legs.

Honestly, from re-reading this delightfully twisted gem of a parody, two things come to mind: 1) I can't wait until the overcooked, three-novels-too-long Harry Potter epic finally ends. 2) God, I miss Buffy.

Thanks, Molly.