Friday, May 4, 2007

The Unbearable Lightness of Being Paris Hilton

There are some rich people out there who have a huge savings account of undeserved good fortune. Now, they’re not always evil, stupid, vulgar or mean-spirited. But they are incredibly annoying. It's like you're being tormented by an itch you can't reach because you're tied up in a straitjacket.

For me, the latest itch that won't go away is the fake “actress” and tall blonde skinny corporate pimp Paris Hilton. Oh God, please make it go away.

Because life isn't fair, Ms. Hilton is a rich and famous celebrity whose ego happily spins in a narcissistic orbit around the planet “Paris”. I know she's a big Star because I keep seeing her on magazine covers, TV and movies. There she is, aggressively promoting a new perfume, movie cameo, DWI arrest, an upcoming appearance on Letterman, or a pornographic video of herself leaked on the internet.

As much as I hate to admit it, although it looks like Paris isn’t doing anything, she really is working very hard.

Do you know what Paris Hilton’s real job is?

No, it's not parading semi-naked in front of a camera with that hateful, “Yeah, I know you want to fuck me” smile on her face. What Hilton and the other empty-headed, toothpick aliens from Barbie World work hard at is making women who don't look like them feel bad. And it's a job they're very good at, too.

Hollywood is a funhouse mirror that reflects distorted images of the real world and the people who live in it. But, in the majority of the movies and television shows, there’s a cruel double standard where men aren’t defined as unrealistically as women are. In short, guys can get away with being slobs and still have a career.

John C. Reilly, Billy Bob Thornton, Philip Seymour Hoffman, William H. Macy, Paul Giamatti, and Steve Buscemi can get away with being regular-looking guys. Unfortunately, Hollywood’s idea of a “regular-looking” woman is to put Uma Thurman in raggedy jeans and an oversized sweater wearing Clark Kent’s glasses. For women, “average-looking” is code for “ugly”.

Too fat? Crooked teeth? Nappy hair? Big nose? What to do? Well, how about botox, yo-yo dieting, plastic surgery, humiliating boot camp exercise programs or shoving a finger down your throat to vomit up breakfast? Huh? You still don’t look like Paris Hilton? Jeez, what an ugly loser you are.

Is it any wonder comedian Margaret Cho, who powerfully dramatized her struggles with self-esteem in I’m The One That I Want, decided to save her life and stop listening to the toxic, soul-destroying propaganda ?

“I am so beautiful, sometimes people weep when they see me. And it has nothing to do with what I look like really, it is just that I gave myself the power to say that I am beautiful, and if I could do that, maybe there is hope for them too. And the great divide between the beautiful and the ugly will cease to be. Because we are all what we choose.”

I think the only thing left for women to do who aren’t anorexic freaks is just start whispering to that stranger in the mirror, “I‘m beautiful, damn it!” and get really pissed off at anybody who foolishly tries to tell you otherwise. Do you hear me, Paris? Or, as Miss Piggy so wonderfully put it, “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”

Uh, Paris? Duck.